A Marriage With Problems, By Using The Seven Principle For Making

  • Category: Religion
  • Words: 1710
  • Grade: 86
Marriage is a union between two people that feel that they are right for each other, and decide to spend the rest of their lives together as one. Some couples hope for the best, which is to live a long and healthy marriage. While others fear the worst, which is an unhealthy marriage that can lead to divorce. But I believe that mostly everyone has the concept embedded in his or her mind that marriage is not as easy as it sounds. Marriage has its own baggage that it brings with it. A marriage might be considered in the mind of the couple to be good, then a few years later it might be considered to be plummeting down to its death. But there are those that get lucky and never have a doubt in their mind that they have a good marriage. Marriage has its ups and its downs. Some married couples work out their problems, either completely solving the problem or at least learning how to live with it. Others let the problems take over their marriage, not even trying to resolve it, leading to the couple giving up on their marriage. For those that gave up on their marriage, they ended up in a very unhappy marriage or a divorce. Gottman believes that troubled marriages can learn from his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Most common problems can be resolved in one way or another using these seven principles. Using some of the principles, I believe that the biggest problem that occurs in a marriage, which is a lack of communication with and an understanding of each other, can be resolved.
Now when I talk about communication, I just don't mean talking and listening, like most therapist think. "The problem is that it doesn't work. A Munich-based marital therapy study"¦found that even after employing active listening techniques the typical couple was still distressed. Those few couples who did benefit relapsed within a year."(10) I am talking about that along with a deeper sense of communication such as receiving signals given off or sent to your partner, things like that. I believe that if a couple believes that they have this problem, they should read Gottman. I feel that using some of these principles, they can resolve the problem so that the couple can live with it or even to the point where the problem just disintegrates.
Gottman's first principle would be first on the list for a couple that has the problem mentioned earlier. The first principle is to enhance your love maps. Couples that last a long time are those who know each other really well. I believe that this might be the most important part of any relationship. In order for one to truly understand someone for who they are, they must know who is and what makes the person. Friendship, as Gottman states many times in his book, is the most important foundation to any relationship. Knowing the love map of your partner is considered to be a great source of knowledge. Knowing the world of your significant other allows you to cope with problems that can be stressful easier. I believe that the primary goal of dating is to allow one to build up their love maps. And the first thing that a couple should do or try to do is to become emotionally intelligent if they are not already. "There are few gifts a couple can give each other greater than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood."(51) Gottman has a strong belief toward emotionally intelligent couples. Gottman provides insightful exercises to help couples develop their love maps. I find that they are useful and provide help to provide a step toward having a happy marriage.
I feel that in order for the third principle to work, one must have the second principle going for them. I believe that they should be combined and should follow the first principle of marriage to solve the problem of communication and understanding. The basis of the second principle is to reminisce about the past to see what was there. By remembering, a couple can fan the flames that they had so the can burn strong. This will allow the couple to nurture the fondness and admiration that they have. The second principle gives the couple a better sense of how much respect and honor you have for each other. This will make it easier to communicate. All this leads to the third principle, which is turn toward each other instead of away. This is something that is a crucial key to a successful marriage. Gottman specifies for a couple to discuss their problems by sitting down and face each other when talking. I believe that this is something that should be done. This allows your partner to see what you are feeling and thinking. If one were watching television while the other is reading, both trying to discuss something, they would not get anywhere because they are not paying much attention. Gorton provides eight easy steps to have a conversation: (1) take turns, (2) don't give unsolicited advice, (3) show genuine interest, (4) communicate your understanding, (5) take your spouse's side, (6) express a "we against others" attitudes, (7) express affection, and (8) validate emotions. If you have this type of conversation everyday, using the steps mentioned above, it couldn't do anything but help the marriage along. This will put a more positive level on your marriage, which will make it even harder to knock it out of place.
The next principle to help solve the problem is the fourth one. It states to let your partner influence you. When I read the title the first time, I interpret it to mean to listen what your partner has to say and consider the opinion that they give you. My interpretation is pretty close. It is like I have heard many times over the years, "you can't always get what you want." Gottman tries to convey this to his readers. He believes that couples have to yield to each other and try to compromise. But there is a problem with that, and it is that not everyone likes to compromise. They see it as a sign of weakness. Honestly I believe that most of those that see it as a weakness are men. Take for example, a husband and his wife decide to go out of state for vacation and decide to drive. It so happens that they get lost. The wife tells the husband that they are lost and should ask for directions. But the husband would reply that they are not and he knows where they are. After driving for about an hour in circles, the husband would say the car needs gas. So they stop at a gas station. He would use this time to ask for directions, but not letting his wife know and continue on their journey. There will be signs of resistance, but there is always some type of resistance when it comes to change. Accepting influence is what an emotionally intelligent husband does because it conveys your honor and respect for your spouse. All this shows an open attitude that will heighten the positiveness of your marriage and strengthen the bond between one another. This will help knock down any walls that are preventing you to become closer.
The final principle necessary to prevail over the problem of communication and understanding is to overcome gridlock. That is principle six. The goal of this principle is to move from gridlock to dialogue. The first thing that one must do is to understand what is the cause of gridlock. Gottman states "gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren't being addressed or respected by each other. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are a part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life."(219) But there are times where it is difficult to get out of gridlock. This is because dreams can be hidden, making them less obvious. And the only way to uncover a dream is to get a little dirty, metaphorically speaking. The challenge, after realizing what is the dream, is to respect the dream. I find this to be true because when you do all the things that you like to do you do it to help realize a dream that you have. And by doing so you are neglecting your partner in a way that can be very crucial to your relationship. When making decisions and before taking action, you must acknowledge and have respect of each other's dreams. This will make the marriage more meaningful. Gottman provides five steps to help couples overcome gridlock. They are: (1) become a dream detective, (2) work on gridlocked marital issue, (3) soothe each other, (4) end the gridlock, and (5) say thank you. Once again, this will help strengthen the marriage so it will be unbreakable. Patience, commitment, and faith are needed by the couple in order to loosen the grip of these types of problems from the marriage. You'll now be able to move out of gridlock that can demolish the love and joy in your relationship.
But I feel that any relationship can use the book to help with any kind of problem that can occur in a relationship. It is not just for those that have big problems, but for everyone that has a problem, big or small, can benefit from Gottman's book. It is necessary for a couple to implement all seven principles toward their relationship, not just one or two. Like I stated early, marriage has its ups and downs. Marriage might seem to be simple. You know you go through the ceremony and say the magic words and that's it. That is totally wrong. Like all relationships, there is work to be done in order for your relationship to prosper to new heights. And that work is based on the seven principles that Gottman describes in his book. I honestly would recommend this book to any who is involved in any relationship. The only thing this book can do to you is help improve the relationship that you have right now.
ad 4
Copyright 2011 EssayTrader.net All Rights Reserved